H/T Patty Golden…
A few things are missing. I added some of them in green.
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Well…SINGLE MEN are never depressed.Men Are Just Happier People —
(You forgot the word SINGLE again)
What do women expect from such simple creatures?
(WAY MORE THAN THEY DESERVE!)
Your last name stays put.The garage is all yours.Wedding plans take care of themselves.Chocolate is just another snack…You can be President.You can never be pregnant.You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.You can wear NO shirt to a water park.Car mechanics tell you the truth.The world is your urinal.You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
(Righty: tighty. Lefty:Loosy)
Same work, more pay
(It's worth more without the drama!)
Wrinkles add character.Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
(WTF? Who would ever wear a tux?)
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.One mood all the time.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.You know stuff about tanks.
And cars. And guns. And how to Barbeque!
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
(6 days in Vegas only required a small carry-on.)
You can open all your own jars.
(I can do EVERYTHING! I'm a man!)
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Everything I do is an act of thoughtfulness. Shut up.If someone forgets to invite you,He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Who wears 'em?
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
One pair New Balance, One pair boots, one pair, rubba slippa.
You almost never have strap problems in public. Because you don't strap on guns with elastic!
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Levis, t-shirts and overalls don't wrinkle.
Everything on your face stays its original colour. CAMO! HOO-RAH!
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.You only have to shave your face and neck.
A beard engenders respect and keeps food off my t-shirt.
You can play with toys all your life.
What else is life for? Guns, beer, trucks and sluts. In that order.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons.You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relativesOn December 24 in 25 minutes.
I never Christmas shop. I ain't a woman!___________________________________Men Are Just Happier PeopleNICKNAMESIf Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.EATING OUTWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
The beer was more than $32.50. We don't go to Hooters for food!
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
Ain't THAT the damn truth!
BATHROOMSA man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 (SIX) of these items.ARGUMENTSA woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
She won't START another argument unless she wants another black eye!FUTUREA woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.MARRIAGEA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.DRESSING UPA woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
I don't go to either. One is merely the pre-requisite for the other.NATURALMen wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
DETERIORATE?!?!? They turn to zombies! That's why the beer comes out at dawn.
OFFSPRINGAh, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Better thought for the day:
A younger woman wants YOUR husband and is giving him things you didn't know existed.