Presented for the last time, without formatting, proofreading or correction. I have no pride in my silly writing.
Prefaced by a few of my autisms and a couple of quotes I like.
HOMELAND SECURITY BEGINS AT HOME!
Tolerance is accepting intolerance. I am intolerant.
Peace happens when I have no desire to attack you and you are afraid
to attack me. The dynamics of peace are variable.
When the government makes it’s citizens outlaws, becoming Robin Hood is no longer a choice. The choice is whether to wear green tights.
Big brains drive extinction events. The dinosaurs didn’t drive
themselves extinct, but we sure will.
The harder one has to work for something, the more disappointed they
will be that it fails to meet their expectations when they finally
I’m not sure I am sane and I
Optimism: Believing the glass is still half full even though you no
longer own it.
You know, in all honesty, I’m for whoever gets you through the night –
be He Jesus Christ or Jack Daniels. For me it’s Sam Colt.
90% of success is showing up. Getting the math right is the other 50%.
You can put your head down, study the tracks and debate
what made them – but don’t have your head on the tracks when the train arrives.
Advice is what you make of it.
I live by three rules:
(1) Have a gun.
(2) Have it on you.
(3) Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.*
*This was recently borrowed by political appointee and before that by the military. Go for it!
What’s slaughter without laughter?
WHO’S WRITING THIS DOWN? Copyright © 1992-1997 by Tom Burnett. All rights reserved.
CHAPTER ONE: THE MANAGEMENT OF HUMAN WASTE
AT THE RESTAURANT:
Go to dinner with a person you really dislike. Put a raw oyster in a ziplock and take it with you. After dinner, go to the bathroom and pop it in your mouth. When you are seated again, start coughing and choking
loudly and stand up. When everyone in the place is staring at you, gag the oyster out of your mouth slowly until it “Plops” in the center of the table…..When I did it, the lady at the next table threw up all over her dinner
companions…..Chuckles galore. When the manager comes (and he will), yell “My God! EVERYONE in here must be eating Maggots! Run out the door. Don’t worry about the check. (Be careful not to get trampled by the crowd.)
If you REALLY hate the person, assume a disguise and leave the country. Have your relatives write letters to the police and newspapers accusing (him/her) of murdering you.
LITERATURE AND MOVIES:
Buy a bunch of sick and disgusting smut in paperback. Answer all of the ads in the back of these and send copies of your friend’s racy home movies. Use (his/her) name and give permission to distribute the video
commercially “Free..I like it when people watch.” Then get a rubber stamp that says ‘FROM THE PERSONAL LIBRARY OF (your friend’s name, address and phone number)’. Stamp it throughout the books and sneak them
into the children’s section of the public library nearest your friend’s home. Slip a few copies in with the hymnals at your friend’s church. (Put the rubber stamp in the bottom of their desk or somewhere else they would not
If you REALLY hate the person, attend parties at (his/her) home. Use the phone to call the White House switchboard and make threats against the President. If you would rather not risk time in a Federal prison wait
until the family goes on a long vacation and put a sign in the front yard that says ‘Warning: this is the home of a convicted child molester! Do not remove this sign by order of the Court.’
SERIOUS JUNK MAIL:
For a man: Get a copy of his signature. Type a torrid love letter to his wife’s best friend and copy the signature on it. Include stuff like “You were right, the bimbo doesn’t suspect a thing, but get the underwear out from under the front seat of my car tomorrow, etc., etc.” Put it in an addressed envelope and drop it in the box by their house. MAKE SURE THE ENVELOPE HAS A RETURN ADDRESS BUT NO STAMP! Without a stamp, the postal worker will deliver it right back to his wife.
If you REALLY hate the person address the letter to another MAN and go into lurid detail about their sex life. (Don’t forget to put the underwear under the driver’s seat of the car and always use ladies’ underwear.)
Modify as needed if the victim is a woman.
Send a list of recipes to the local newspaper along with a letter extolling the wonderful health benefits these recipes offer. Use the above signature. Say things like “Dog milk contains none of the artificial additives
found in regular milk.. The meat is better too. Young, medium-sized dogs are best and you can get all you want free from the animal shelter. Collect a few kittens and you are half way to some lip-smacking Tom & Jerry
tacos. Many other things around the neighborhood can add flavor and variety to your meals. Be creative.” If you are living in Micronesia, don’t waste your time with this. It will be considered a public service.
If you REALLY hate the person, get some names of missing persons from the flyers in the Post Office and name a few of the recipes after them.
EASY FOR YOU TO SAY:
When you see that the victim is going to walk by your desk, pick up the phone and say “…two pigs fighting in a sack! Don’t be cruel, (name of victims’ best friend). I think she looks very good…..No, I DON’T think it’s an uphill battle. What’s the matter….Doesn’t (name of victims’ husband) want to (see) you anymore?” Look around and notice victim standing there (trust me, she’ll be standing there)…..say “Gotta Go, Bye” and hang up.”…then, to the victim, say: “That was my sister Porky….ER, CORKY. She’s having some problems
with your husband….I MEAN HER HUSBAND…… Sorry, I can’t seem to talk at all today. Maybe if I have a sack of fresh pigs…a SNACK of fresh FIGS I’ll feel better!!!!.”
I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS LIKE THAT:
Find something your boss (and almost everyone else) is violently opposed to. Send donations in his name asking for literature and bumper stickers. Put the bumper stickers on your victim’s bumper and on the back window of every car in the vicinity until you run out. If the “LITERATURE AND MOVIES” gag has
blown over, dig the rubber stamp out of the bottom of his desk. Stamp it on the literature (use a piece of paper under the stamp so that the ‘From the personal library of:’ line doesn’t print). Spread the literature around all the
public areas of your company; the executive lounge and meeting rooms. Throw some in the bathrooms. (Put the stamp back in the desk.)
THE NEW BOSS:
Buy gift subscriptions to various racist hate publications for people in your office. Pay for them with postal money orders. Fill in your boss’ name and address on the money orders and ask the publisher to include
gift cards that credit the victim with sending the gift.
If you REALLY hate your new boss, buy HIS boss a life membership in the KKK, American Nazi Party, etc.
Get a business card from a massage parlor or ‘escort service’. Have a bunch of these printed up with her name on them. Leave them around her work, in her neighbors mail boxes, on the windshield of her boss’ car, in
any other place she frequents, and in all the sleazy dives in town.
Whoever he is going with now is sure to make his life miserable anyway, but if you really must, send the new girlfriend a dozen red roses. Put HER name on the box, and YOUR name on the card. It will look like
your idiotic ex is sending flowers to both of you and the florist mixed up the cards. He will have a really difficult time trying to explain this away.
If you REALLY hate the person, call the girlfriend. Tell her you don’t appreciate the flowers and you are tired of hearing how she is dead from the waist down. You are NOT going to meet him for lunch or whatever he
has in mind and if she can’t keep him happy maybe she should take lessons from whoever he IS seeing at lunch! (hang up without waiting for a reply.)
Xerox some forms and envelopes from ‘The Greater Los Angeles AIDS Assistance Foundation’ offering “Help in your time of need.” Address them to friends. Write “CONFIDENTIAL: To be opened only by
addressee” on the envelope and put them, unsealed, in their next door neighbors’ mail boxes. Write a letter to your friend’s ‘lawyer’ using the above signature. Say things like “I really have to insist on my constitutional right to dispose of my remains as I see fit. I want to be ground up into summer sausage and served on crackers at my own wake, and I don’t want to discuss it again with the silly doctors at that institution. They didn’t understand at all about my mother’s accident, that’s why I left. And stop trying to find
me. I don’t look anything like that picture they showed on “America’s Most Wanted”. Leave the letter on the floor, you don’t need an envelope.
Pick a friend who resembles you. Invite him or her to go water skiing for the day with mutual friends. Beg off at the last moment but insist the friend go anyway. While they are gone, borrow your friend’s I.D. and
use it to join the Marine Corps.
I WONDER WHY HE SHAKES LIKE THAT:
Place ads in the ‘personals’ section of a major local newspaper in your victim’s name. Copy an ad that sounds disgusting to you. Since you are obviously a sick puppy anyway, you may have to read through a few to find one that really disgusts you.
If you REALLY hate the person, place the ad in the name of his spouse and send anonymous letters to the victim. Enclose the ad and say that you were a participant in (whatever perverted activity the ad mentions),
with the spouse. Blackmail is a Federal crime, so offer to GIVE the pictures back to the victim “If I get MY things back…you know what I mean.” Which of course he doesn’t and neither will his wife when he confronts
her. Insist on the return of your own property (“and nothing else”). Don’t say what that property is. Get nasty about it by the third letter. Make the warnings more and more ominous, but don’t actually threaten to do
anything: “If I don’t hear from you by the end of NEXT week I may have to do something unpleasant; If I don’t hear from you by the end of THIS week I will have to do something drastic; This is your last chance. If I don’t
hear from you by tomorrow afternoon, I will be forced to resort to very drastic measures, and I hardly have to describe what will happen then!” Don’t describe what will happen then.
The key to this is that you never actually threaten the victim, or give him any information at all (Make SURE you don’t). He does not know (1) Who you are; (2) What you want; (3) How to reach you; (3) What the hell is going on; (4) What will happen when he can’t meet your demands (which he doesn’t know either). As the deadline approaches, he will start to panic, especially since his wife can’t tell him where your property is no matter how much he begs and pleads. Even threats won’t make her talk, because she doesn’t know anything
about it either, but he will think she won’t tell him because she is trying to hide some terrible guilty secret. There is no way for him to do anything except sit around and let his imagination run wild. By the day of the deadline he will be a real, gibbering walnut loaf.
If you REALLY, REALLY hate the person wait a couple of days after the deadline and send him a card saying “Never mind, I found my stuff so I gave the rest of the pictures back to (name of his wife). She sure
looks good in leather, doesn’t she. Sorry for any inconvenience.” (Don’t get cute..If he finds out who did it he will either shoot you, or read this book and either way you are done for.
YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY:
Pour five gallons of diesel fuel in the gas tank of his car. It will lower the octane rating of the gas so much that the car won’t run. This is almost impossible to detect. Eventually his mechanic will conclude that he got a tank of bad gas at the last fill up. Naturally, if his car is diesel, fill the tank with gasoline. It will start
OK……once. If you can’t open the gas cap, wedge some fresh road-kill on top of the catalytic converter.
This is more difficult, but the results are interesting. Empty the air out of your victim’s tires. Fill the tires with water. Re-inflate with air until the tires hold the correct pressure.
Remove the windshield wipers from the wiper arms. The next time the wipers are turned on, the wiper arms will destroy the windshield before they can be turned off.
Squirt Super Glue Gel or Weatherstripping cement in all the car door locks. Epoxy will work if you use the kind in the self-mixing dispenser. The individual use packs are handy but hard to use without making a
mess or getting it all over yourself. If the car is unlocked the possibilities are almost endless, but use a little finesse. First, wait until the car is at least one day out of warranty whenever possible. Don’t bother with the
center console or glove compartment. Epoxy the driver’s seat belt latch so it won’t latch. He won’t bother to get it fixed until he has had seven or eight traffic tickets for not wearing the thing. Pour some Liquid Plumber ™
or Drano ™ in with his windshield washer fluid.) Squirt super glue in the turn signal control or the cruise control. Depending on the season, set his heater or air conditioner at full blast and lock the controls so they won’t turn off.
Take a moment to adjust the headlights of your friend’s car as far as they will go in any direction. Up and to the left is better. There is one adjusting screw at the top and one on the side of each headlight. The tool you need is available at parts stores for about $2.
Scrape the registration tags off his license plate the night before he leaves for a cross-country trip. If he has two cars, switch the license plates as well. Unless they are personalized plates, he will not notice. This is
guaranteed to amuse every police officer, highway patrolman and deputy sheriff along the route until his car is impounded.
AAAAK….IT’S GOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!
If you have any oysters left, balance one on his sun visor so it falls in his face when he accelerates hard, like when he is trying to get on the freeway after work. This sort of thing freaks people out like you wouldn’t believe, and they let go of the steering wheel and make all kinds of gestures with their arms. If it’s a woman, put a couple of Tarantulas in the car. It’s funnier if one crawls up her leg on the freeway, but if they just walk around in the car she will notice them eventually and start doing interesting things. If his sunroof is cracked open, pour in a couple gallons of molasses, paint, fresh blood, oil from your last
oil change, etc. If you don’t have those items handy, shove in a garden hose, turn it on and walk away. (This also works if he is away from home and has a mail slot in his front door). In the middle of summer, half a dozen rotten eggs, a gallon of very stale milk and a quart of vinegar or wine will take the cheap plastic smell right out of that new Mercedes. If the car is fairly airtight and he is off for a week in Hawaii, use a fresh dead animal with an intact body cavity. By the end of a week the car will never be used again. It will be worth twenty eight dollars a ton and not a penny more.
BETTER THAN COFFEE!:
If you know someone who drags in to work half asleep every morning, rig their car’s air bags to fire when the ignition is turned on. This will keep them from being drowsy. Their eyes will be as big as saucers when they get to work if the shock doesn’t stop their heart.
If you REALLY hate the person sneak up behind them and pop balloons all day.
MIDNIGHT PAINT & BODY:
If the victim yaps on and on about his stupid new car, wait until you absolutely can’t stand it anymore. Then get a few cans of spray paint and paint the car flat black, including the windows. This is especially funny when the person comes out of a bar at 2AM Sunday morning. If you don’t really want to ruin the car lace his last rum and Coke with a tablespoon of Syrup of Ipecac and he will ruin his own car.
THE CURE FOR ALCOHOLISM:
Take your alcoholic friend to a famous restaurant in San Diego. Get him on a bender. When he passes out, drive him (in his car, naturally) to Tijuana. Pay one of the local cuties to give him a good case of VD. (Be sure to get some pictures to send to his wife.) Leave him naked in a ditch on the outskirts of town don’t leave anything on him except some drugs in a bag on a chain around his neck. Have someone casually mention to a police officer where they saw a gringo selling drugs. Sell his clothes, ID, and car. Hitch a ride back. If you ever see him again (and you may not) punch him in the eye and say “That’s for leaving me stranded me in San Diego.” If he is still drinking he probably has a good reason now.
GAG ME WITH A SPOON:
If someone drinks out of a container that has a lid, prepare a duplicate container containing warm egg whites, and switch them. When they get a mouthful you can tell them it’s phlegm from an AIDS experiment
your son is doing at college. If you REALLY hate the person, follow up with: “It looks like someone in here has tuberculosis and had to spit up”. Stand way back. (When I thought this up, I laughed so hard I almost soiled my clothing.)
WAITER, THERE’S A FLY IN MY SOUP:
Another crack-up is to go to the store and get a couple of salmon heads from the fresh fish counter. They will give these to you free for the asking, because they throw them away. Take them home and carefully remove the eyes. Float two of the eyes in someone’s coffee, soup, etc.
HOLY HOT STUFF, BATMAN!
You know that REAL hot green horseradish they serve in sushi bars? ‘Wasabe’ is the name of it. Well if you make up a bowl of that and take it to the church social with chips around it, it looks exactly like avocado or guacamole dip. When someone gets a big slug of that stuff, no matter what they do next will be wrong. I know it for a fact, and so does my friend Len.
ANTIDOTES FOR RUDE CALLERS:
“How many flies did it take to get your mother pregnant?”
“You may contact my supervisor directly at 1-800” (hang up)
“I have brought your letter of complaint to the executive suite to study it privately. It is a very serious matter and I am going to send it down the line for processing. Rest assured that your letter will be behind all of my movements today.” (Flush toilet)
“Can you hold a moment please?” Put them on hold and go to lunch.
“You make the perfect case for mandatory birth control!”
“Please give my regards to your father, Dr. Frankenstein.”
“Please give my regards to your mother when you see her down by the lake, or wherever your family goes to catch flies for dinner.”
“Your father was obviously very fond of farm animals.”
“Don’t your tonsils get sunburned with your mouth always open?”
“Do you know who this is?”
“Well then F___ You! (Hang up)”
D)uring a phone conversation, yell suddenly”: OH, NO! NOT THAT! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” Scream. Snap a wide rubber band over the mouthpiece. It will sound exactly like a gunshot to the party on the line. Let the phone drop to the floor, hang it up, then go out to dinner. When you get back, roll your eyes and say: “I’m sorry, officer. My mother-in-law must have stopped taking her Lithium again”.
Who? I… I’m so sorry, he’s dead!
(start crying, hang up)
She can’t come to the phone right now. Her AIDS screen came back positive and she is teaching (name an ex-boyfriend) a lesson he’ll never forget! Oh, you had better see a doctor too, not that it will do any good.
“The problem with that (house/apartment) is a 12-foot Python that lives in the sewer system and swims up through the toilets. Please listen for him because he has been known to carry off small children. Be careful not to hurt him in any way, it is an endangered species and there is a $25,000 fine.”
“I understand there is no heat in the unit. When the heat is turned on the rats come out in droves. The 5 pounds of DDT we sprayed in there yesterday didn’t even faze them. The last person who turned on the heat is still in the asylum, poor dear. Screams for hours at a time.”
GEE THAT’S NICE:
“Is that a new swimsuit? Where did you get it? It’s gorgeous. You look just like a salmon!” (Do salmon impression)
JUST BACK FROM THE HAIRDRESSER:
MY GOD.. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU… WERE YOU MUGGED???
Oh, you mean it’s SUPPOSED to look like that? Oh….it…it’s very nice. You look very nice like that. Gee, look at the time…I’ve got to run.
REALLY INSULT A DATE:
(Male): “Oh, please. Put that thing back in its thimble.”
(Male): “HA,HA,HA,HAHAHAHA” (laugh hysterically and point)
(Female): (wrinkle nose, start looking around) “Excuse me, the cat must have left another dead bat in here.” (Keep looking) “Whatever it is, it’s making me sick.” (Either): (in bored voice) “That was wonderful. You should be a big hit in the ten-second sprint at the Special Olympics.”
Wait until the neighborhood gossip comes over. Pick up the phone and say: “No, (name of mutual acquaintance) I really DO think you should come out of the closet. I’m sure that (name of his wife) will understand. OK, I’ll talk to you soon.” Hang up. If the neighbor asks, say: “Oh. I didn’t know you were here.
There’s something I think you should know but I promised not to tell until someone has time to think about it.”
AT THE OFFICE:
“You broke a nail? I’m sorry…Here, let me Call Dr. Kevorkian for you.
INEXPENSIVE TANNING BEDS:
Buy a microwave oven cheap at a yard sale. Take it apart, retaining the tube (and waveguide) and the power supply. The noise you hear when you turn on a microwave is the fan. Don’t worry about the fan, you won’t need it. Put the works in some clever place like in the attic over someone’s bed. Set a timer to turn the thing on a couple of hours after bedtime. The person will tan from the inside out. Don’t put it under the bed because the springs are metal, unless you like to hear fire engines.
I took this out. There’s no way. People would be dropping like flies and no one would ever know why.
SEE NO EVIL:
Then there’s the old, but horribly effective trick of replacing contact lens solution with extra-strength super glue. Very nasty. Powdered glass can be added to the solution instead. I guess if you REALLY hated the
person you could throw some ‘heat’ scent on their new seeing-eye dog and watch the pack of wide-eyed male pit bulls chase the person and their dog through traffic.
Other cute replacements are always available. Try replacing expensive perfume with pepper spray. The kind that has permanent green dye is good, but don’t get any on you. This causes no end of amusement. If you
have any powered glass left over mix it in toothpaste, embed it in suppositories, or let it float around in some liquid preparation that is likely to be inserted in one orifice or another.
THE LIGHT TOUCH:
This is as old as the hills too, maybe that’s why it isn’t remembered very often. Gently drill a tiny hole in the base of a light bulb. VERY GENTLY, or the bulb will implode. After the vacuum is released, make the hole larger and funnel in a few drops of gasoline. I saw a TV show once where someone filled the bulb to just below the filament, so you didn’t get it from me. Plug the hole with wax. Turn the switch off and replace the bulb. Get the hell away from there.
IT’S A GAS:
I’m not sure I want to tell you this one, but it’s common knowledge too, since entire villages and small towns have been made to disappear. If someone lives in an area where the ground forms a natural depression, and there is absolutely no breeze some morning about 4:00 am, they want to be sure their gas line or propane tank doesn’t pick that time to leak because it will mix with air and form a fuel-air explosive. If it reached a source of flame, it would likely resemble the mother of all barbeque pits. If it were shock-initiated, like with
detonating cord or an M-80, the natural depression would provide enough containment to allow detonation instead of combustion. It would have about the same effect as several hundred pounds of high explosive. This won’t get rid of termites, but it will almost certainly ruin the day for anyone who is illicitly manufacturing illegal drugs using volatile chemicals.
Now as we all know, many varieties of insects communicate quickly and over great distances by the simple expedient (for them), of releasing chemical signals called pheromones. Different pheromones signal different things and thus evoke different responses, but the point is that other members of the same species can detect impossibly minute quantities of the stuff from a long way off. And when they do they will make whatever response is appropriate according to their genetic programming. So: If you are saving a barn full of manure in case there is a shortage later in the year, you might discover
that you are also hoarding all the flies for miles around. And they don’t seem disposed to ‘Shoo’ away I reckon. No problem. Hearken on down to any store that sells bug zappers. They will have a neat new fly trap that works much better than those things that you used to hang outside after you threw in a catfish for bait. (Remember Big Stinky?)….Sure, it trapped a good many flies…But the smell after it was in the sun for a few days was enough to make most people decide that the flies were kinda cute after all. Throw that Big Stinky away, friends. Progress marches on…The new fly trap uses an odorless, colorless attractant that will get every male fly for miles around to dive into the trap and die happy. Pheromones. Female fly pheromones. Poor flies
don’t even have a chance. Wonderful. Now you can save that manure until winter. Mix a few hundred gallons of diesel fuel in there with it and close the doors real tight, and you have enough explosive to remove most of
the county. Or, when the neighborhood urchins come around on the 4th. of July to throw M-80’s at you, they will learn a lesson when they throw one in there and you will be saved the cost of having the old relic torn down
(the barn…..not your spouse…I’ll make the jokes in this book if you don’t mind).
OK. You have now been to the store and have returned with a quart of clear, odorless liquid. What to do, what to do. Well if you know anyone that has ANY fanatical leanings (not just cult stuff, anything!), you can generate a completely convincing sign from God, the Devil, a Weerowance, or almost anything else you choose. Heck, imagine how interesting life can get if you manage to get a few drops in the lap of that really self-centered, stuck-up person that you know. Or in the hair of your neighbors children. The kids freak out immediately when a billion flies land on their faces and would rather die than leave. When mom sees it she will probably have convulsions too. When you hear the shrieks coming from their house, call anonymously and say that you are the Devil and have put your sign on their kids. Walk by their house at night and spray some on their pets or on the outside of their bedroom and kitchen windows. Of course, ideally, you want to put it in something that a person is going to apply to their facial area, armpits and crotch just before they appear as finalists in the Miss America Pageant or attend a formal dinner at the White House. But don’t count too much on that happening. Even if it did, who the hell wants to have dinner with the Clintons? If you use a little imagination you can just go on and on. Eventually so will your neighbors. But plan ahead and don’t get caught. Your neighbor might know where to get killer bee or army ant pheromones that say “Help! This thing is attacking our nest!”. (Yes, things like that exist). You don’t want to get into a feud with this stuff. You do not want the other party to suspect what happened. Ever. I know someone who did this, and I have newspaper clippings that describe what happened. But you
will have to take my word for it.
WHAT WAS THAT????
Buy an inexpensive remote controlled car and put in the victim’s attic, or under his house. Drive it around for a few minutes about three every morning, until you see his lights come on. Or get an old cordless phone with paging capabilities and hide the handset in an unlikely place and key the pager until his lights come on. He will never be able to find it if you do it right.
WHAT’S WRONG, DEAR?
Wait until no one is at home, and turn off his power at the meter box. Then switch the breakers around, making sure that you change the values of all of them. At best, a breaker will blow every time someone turns something on. At worse the house will burn down. Remove the list inside the box that shows what the breakers control so they can’t put things back.
THE CIA CHAPTER:
LOW RISK INTERDICTION: POLYMERIC ISOCYANATE/POLYOL RESIN:
Also known as high expansion sealant. Available at hardware stores and home improvement centers as an aerosol spray or two part liquid. Very versatile. Used for caulking, insulating and sealing out air. Also used as filler in crash helmets, refrigerator doors, boat hulls, floating docks and Igloo type coolers due to it’s strength and light weight. Good electrical as well as thermal insulating properties. Expansion ratios of thirty to one hundred fifty times original volume (depending on type) upon contact with air. Effectiveness decreases below 20% ambient humidity. Has the appearance of aerated cheese spread. Extremely adhesive upon application and will adhere to most surfaces (ice and Teflon are exceptions). Product remains very tacky for ten to fifteen minutes, becoming tackfree within twenty. Full curing to the consistency of hard foam requires 7-8 hours. Once used, it does not come off (The instructions that come with it say it is “difficult to remove”). It is
impervious to water, solvents and temperature variations below 240 degrees F. It is “difficult” to cut, drill, chip, break, peel, or otherwise remove by mechanical methods. It is not biodegradable. It is quick, quiet and
permanent. One aerosol can of this sealant introduced into a plumbing system via a sink will require the walls to be torn out and the affected portions of the plumbing system replaced. Similarly, one can will effectively destroy a
washer, dryer, oven, computer, central heater/air conditioner, microwave, file cabinet (including contents), ATM machine, bank night deposit drop or Post office night drop. Any engine driven equipment can be disabled until
the affected fuel tank, radiator or carburetor can be replaced. Motors can be destroyed by spraying it into the oil reservoir (unplug the oil pressure sending unit). A couple of gallons of high expansion liquid poured inside an
automobile, aircraft cockpit, tank, armored car, telephone company central office switch, mainframe computer, gas station holding tank (these do not lock in the Continental US), tank truck, camper, motor home, elevator,
showcase or safe will render them unusable and (with the possible exception of the safe) irreparable. Use of major buildings could be denied under normal circumstances by the destruction of their fire sprinkler systems, power plants, maintenance areas or environmental control systems. Scuba tanks partially filled with foam will pressurize correctly but contain only a fraction of the air expected by the user. Conversely, this product is usable in the fabrication of hermetically sealed, shockproof containments that can be sculpted, sanded and painted and are buoyant. Various contraband may be transported, smuggled, stored, buried, hidden, disguised or protected from air, moisture and (some) chemicals effectively. Risk of detection by trained dogs or explosive sniffers is extremely low *PROVIDED* there is no detectable trace of the product’s molecular residue trapped in air within the cell structure of the foam.
THE ABS LAUNCHER:
THIS IS NOW SOOOO ILLEGAL, you can’t do it. It’s here for entertainment only. This is a wonderful field-expedient device that can launch almost anything from grappling hooks to light explosive devices. In an anti-personnel role, wound steel leader or piano wire with lead weights crimped on every foot or so will be effective. Even an ordinary potato will project at speeds of 200+ feet per second. The size is variable, but here is a very effective model. You can purchase all of the components openly, without suspicion, for under $20. Assembly requires about fifteen minutes.
Parts: 5′ of 1 ½ ” diameter ABS pipe and 18″of 4″ diameter ABS pipe (1) 4″ to 1 ½” ABS adapter; (1) 4″ threaded ABS collar; (1) 4″ threaded ABS end cap
(1) small can of ABS cement
(1) flint type replacement igniter for camping lanterns
(3) 1 ½” wood screws
(1) can of starting fluid
(1) bag of potatoes
Glue one end of the 5′ piece of pipe to the adapter. Sharpen the other end. Put the three screws through
the adapter and pipe, spaced equidistantly, so that they protrude into the inside of the pipe. Drill a small hole 2″ from the end of the piece of 4″ pipe and install the flint igniter from the inside so that the igniter part is centered
inside the pipe, and the knob that spins it is on the outside. Make sure that it fits tightly and will not fall out. Glue this pipe to the adapter with the igniter forward (toward the 1 ½” pipe). Glue the threaded collar to the
other end. Wait until the glue dries. Shove a potato down the 1 ½” pipe (barrel) with a broom handle or stick until it seats against the screws.
The sharpened tip will shave the potato for a tight fit. Spray the smallest burst of starter fluid you can into the Piece of 4″ pipe (chamber). Screw the end on finger tight and back it off 1/8 turn so it doesn’t bind. Aim the device and spin the igniter. If the device fails to fire you used too much starter fluid. When the device fires (it is very reliable) it will launch the potato 3-500 vertical feet or through the side of a house. It will kill a person if you manage a head shot. It makes very little noise and is recoilless. Under optimum conditions the projectile will land 2-3000 feet downwind if fired at a 45 degree angle.
Other propellants can be used, such as gasoline (2-3 drops) or propane. The disadvantage is that it is slow to reload. You can install a one-way valve to inject the propellant if you wish to eliminate the need to remove the end cap to recharge the propellant, but you may not get enough air in the chamber for efficient combustion and metering is unpredictable..
Everyone I told about this laughed until I demonstrated it for them. When I cut the top five feet off a 100′ pine tree with a potato (which continued right out of sight) they stopped laughing and headed for the hardware store.
You can deliver a fragile payload by loading a potato, then a couple of cups of oats to cushion the acceleration shock, then the payload.
Chapter 2: The Bible
Knowledge is a conditioned response acquired through the process known as learning. Reality is the result of neural stimulation to sensory input. Essentially, it is the data stream produced by the unconscious minds frenzied attempt to control, sort and classify external sensory input into some prioritized form and
present it at a variable frequency and magnitude just below the threshold of consciousness of the individual in order not to overwhelm the thought process during waking hours. The need for sleep is obviously the result of evolving on a rotating planet. Originally it provided energy conservation while allowing the body to provide heat to the vital organs during the night hours when humans were more likely to be prey than predator. In addition, sleep allows the conscious mind to relax and reset the activity level of the sensory input system to provide the optimum level of information for assimilation. This baseline is set by a closed system that monitors quiescent neural activity and adjusts for balance. Since the vagaries of genetics trend toward mutation, each person is literally an individual. Thus each person maintains an independent perception of reality while (usually) maintaining a link of commonality via:
Knowledge, in a societal sense and A tiny thread of DNA that, to cite one example, allows most people to uniformly sense a frequency of 6485 Angstroms as the color red. Fortunately the conscious mind does not have access to raw sensory data that it would interpret as nonsense. The information content it does have access to, although edited, is not always presented uniformly. That variety can cause problems that are not even identifiable much less correctable. The logical brain wants consistency to recognize change when it occurs and initiate an appropriate behavioral response. But the information it receives, while fairly consistent, is not completely so. Which can cause unpredictable behavior because a median baseline of individual reality cannot be maintained. So “reality” moves into abstraction and violence or other aberrant behavior may surface without reason or warning. Conversely, it may be postulated that a great lateral leap of logic might be induced, much to the benefit of humanity. The subconscious
methodology for management of this abstraction could, theoretically, beget genius or insanity in any given individual although the psycho- and sociological issues involved tend to promote exclusivity for the latter. A more likely explanation is genetic propensity. Most people either have a stable information filtering system or are only able to tolerate the
inconsistencies by manifesting them as mood swings. Even so, it is difficult for anyone to deal with these variations logically because they occur below the level of consciousness but affect the thought processes directly. A common experience is the vague feeling of being lost, unfulfilled or incomplete. This feeling, when combined with other factors such as the (successful) evolutionary trait of ascribing reason to all events whether or not they are understood by the observer; and a foreknowledge of the certainty and imminence of death creates the human affinity for religion. Religion exists both by desire and necessity. The desire for a purpose to our lives and the necessity of resolving feelings of being unfulfilled or somehow incomplete. But the universe and the reality of life within it exist for an individual only while that individual exists as a living entity within the universe. No organism that evolved on this planet can survive here indefinitely and those that metabolize
oxygen cannot do so anywhere. There are no exceptions. Death is the vindication of life. Unfortunately, the idea of an afterlife seems incomprehensible when viewed as physical relativity. A ‘spirit’ or ‘soul’, having no sensory input, can have no sensory perception and is thus bereft of individuality and, therefore, individual reality. In this context existence is no longer possible. I cannot disagree with those who argue that there must be a reason for everything. There are certainly cause and effect for everything we understand as well as everything we don’t. That the explanations for those
we don’t may disagree is unimportant as they are conjectural in any case. That is not to say there is a PURPOSE for everything. Given the context in which the statement is commonly presented, it is highly unlikely, at least to me. But a persons’ subconscious will casually invent or disregard, as appropriate, any facts required to maintain his or her personal reality at a comfortable level. So if, for instance, you want God to be real, He is real. That’s part of what reality is for you. Your life really does have a great and wonderful purpose. It’s for you to live and enjoy to the fullest. Always try to do that, despite what your personal beliefs may be.
And try not to be such an asshole.
Copyright © 1994, Tom Burnett
Your word is the most valuable possession you will have during your lifetime. Sometimes it may be the ONLY thing you have. But if it’s good, it’s all you need. It’s enough. You can succeed and prosper with it even if you have nothing else, for you know that opportunities are given freely but advantages must be taken. You will accept an opportunity without stealing an advantage. Money looks the same to everyone. But your word marks you forever in the world. It is the one thing that no one can take away from you. The value you place on
your word is the value you see in yourself. The amount of trust you place in others exactly reflects your own trustworthiness. Your word is the bookmark that holds your place in society. So two honest people WOULD never cheat each other, and two dishonest people never COULD. But, since people aren’t often matched up evenly, be as honest as you can and let the other person be as honest as he will. When you offer your word you are offering your honesty in place of a material object and your pledge not to take unfair advantage of an opportunity.
Ideas Copyright © Tom Burnett, 1993, 1998
Ideas are born from thoughts and emotions
Nurtured in balance, they grow and mature..
With logic and caring applied in proportion
Ideas yield bounties of reason and love.
Take care that you never give all to emotion
Nor trust only to logic, not bending at all
Emotion leaves craters on scarred, empty landscape
And logic alone makes for cold, barren shores.
So facts are the products of reasoned ideas,
Pyramids crafted of logical stone.
Immortal because of their solid foundations
True facts then are timeless and bright to behold.
Not easily changed as are whims and opinions…
But often confusing… just words after all,
Make each of us choose what is true and what isn’t
And some of us can, but most of us fall..
So whenever presented a fact for consumption,
Examine it closely for table and crown.
Opinions have foundations built over craters…
They crumble and never push pyramids down.
Opinion is merely the voice of emotion.
Varying, changeable, woven of straw
Which bends in the wind and floats with the current…
Ever changing with no thought to reason at all.
Belief is a separate kind of opinion,
Isolated from wisdom by one’s self-esteem…
Thus a person who can’t lift his face to a mirror
Makes excuses to others, as well as himself
He wants to believe he is something he isn’t
He needs a small lie to convince someone else.
A belief then created, a servant of folly
The truth since forgotten, it stood in the way.
In the night an ice castle of beauty, deceptive…
Only puddles are left when sun brings the day.
While darkness protects you alone in your fortress
The angels of truth dare not venture your halls
Leave logic and reason outside on the doorstep…
Ignore it completely when the ice starts to thaw
But straw won’t protect from the fire that is coming
The more you have gathered, the hotter the blaze.
And once it has started even night won’t protect you.
No more than a fool with a star-studded gaze.
Hold firm your beliefs and protect your opinions…
And never consider the sense of it all.
Stay hidden away in your crystalline sculpture
The straw, though abundant, made very weak walls.
Beliefs may be shattered, but ever a dreamer
You blame someone else when your pyramids fall.
(I’m sorry the prose and the verses don’t rhyme,
‘Tho I wanted to do it, I hadn’t the time.
With the jumble of words that I try to unwind,
it was trouble enough, just to meter the lines.
But I’d go back and fix it if I had a mind,
to learn about prose, and verses, and rhyme.)
Whatever happened to the world I grew up in?
Copyright © 1995,1997,1998 by Tom Burnett
Remember the old days?
Before Beavis & Butthead.
Annette was a Mouseketeer.
The Beatles were on Ed Sullivan.
I Remember the day I bought my first record.
Danny & the Juniors- ‘At the Hop.’
45 R.P.M., Forty-nine cents.
I bought a model airplane that day, too.
It was my birthday.
A Piper Tri-Pacer molded in cream colored plastic.
In the halcyon days.
Before anatomically correct dolls.
Before Dan Quayle got into politics.
I rode my bike and swam a lot.
I built model airplanes and read books.
Hershey bars still tasted good and melted when they got hot.
Everyone’s favorite color was Candy Apple Red.
I built a model of a 426 Hemi Funny Car called ‘Color Me Gone’.
Years later I saw the real one sitting with flat tires behind a gas station.
I wanted to buy it but I couldn’t.
Maybe it’s still there.
I read ‘The Ancient Mariner’ and ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’.
I hated them because they were required reading.
I always loved to read. But I hated school.
They didn’t teach me what I wanted to know.
Coach Greet was my biology teacher.
He taught us about protoplasm.
It’s a good thing I wasn’t paying attention in that class.
In school we had dress codes and homework. Responsibility.
Teachers had hardwood paddles with holes in them.
Teaching responsibility was their responsibility.
Learning responsibility was our responsibility.
In the old days.
Before the government decided ketchup was one of the four major food groups.
People who placed themselves outside the law were ‘outlaws’.
They didn’t get any special treatment.
They were sentenced to hard labor.
No one thought of blaming society for making them bad.
Now they sit in air conditioned day rooms and watch TV.
Working is cruel and unusual punishment for criminals.
I work seven days a week. I have to pay taxes to support them.
What’s wrong with this picture?
Remember Saturday morning television?
Sky King, Guy Madison and Fuzzy Knight..
Roy and Dale sang ‘Happy Trails’.
Pat Buttram and Nellie belle.
Sergeant Preston of the Yukon.
Lloyd Bridges in ‘ Sea Hunt’.
Turn on your TV now.
The channel number is higher than your neighbor’s I.Q.
The talk shows are crazy.
Cartoons aren’t funny anymore.
TV evangelists are.
Bart Simpson is a role model.
Beavis & Butthead are your kids’ idols.
I read comic books, too.
“Wham, Bam, Boom.”
But no one really got hurt in the comics.
The bad guys were led away in handcuffs.
Look at a comic book now.
Captain Nimrod’s genitals are being ground off in a food processor.
Turn on the news.
It looks like a scene from ‘Blade runner’.
Every night they flash a tote board:
VICTIMS OF GUNS SO FAR THIS YEAR: ___
Film at Eleven.
Where I grew up everyone owned a gun.
I had a rifle before I was six.
A .22 pump gallery rifle.
No one thought that was unusual at all.
When boys got as tall as a rifle, they got a rifle.
When my father gave me the rifle he said “Son, I think you are old enough to have this.”
“But it is an adult responsibility.”
“It is a serious matter.”
“You must understand the purpose of a gun.”
“Guns are to kill. They have no other purpose.”
“Know how to use it. Learn everything about it.”
“Practice with it and keep it clean.”
“Always keep it loaded and for the rest of your life you will treat every gun as though it were loaded.”
“Know where it is. Otherwise, do not touch it.”
“You may have to pick it up someday.”
“You may have to protect your home and your mother.”
“You will have to know if that time comes. There won’t be anyone to ask.”
“If that day ever comes, you must not be afraid. You must not hesitate.”
I was honored by my father’s trust in me.
He trained me to use it. He would send me to get it.
“When you are under arms, you are no longer a child.
You cannot think children’s thoughts”, he said.
Safety always came first.
I knew it was not a toy. I didn’t play with it. Ever.
I practiced with it. I had to learn ranges and trajectories.
I had to be able to disassemble it, clean it and reassemble it in the dark.
I slept with it by my bed. Otherwise I didn’t touch it.
My dad was a Colonel in the Army.
At Fort Chaffee near Fort Smith, Arkansas.
He had the duty there several nights a month.
We lived in the Ozark mountains of Arkansas.
Near Mountainburg, North of Alma.
It was beautiful there.
Our neighbor was across the mountain about a mile away.
We listened to the Grand old Opry with Cousin Minnie Pearl on the radio.
One night someone broke out of a prison farm.
I didn’t know what a prison farm was.
I don’t know how he found our house up in the hills.
My father was at Fort Chaffee and my mother was asleep upstairs.
When he kicked in the door I picked up my rifle and shot him.
He had a gun too, but I didn’t see it.
He walked off the patio and died.
I didn’t know that either. I stayed awake all night with my rifle.
I had never stayed awake all night before.
I was afraid he would come back.
I screamed for my mother, but she never came.
She didn’t hear me.
But I didn’t leave my post.
That was forty years ago but I still can’t sleep at night.
And I never knew why until just now.
As I wrote this, I remembered.
My father found him the next morning when he came home.
Two state troopers came by and talked to me.
They said he had killed someone when he escaped.
They took me to town in their car and turned on the siren.
They bought me a Coke in one of those little bottles.
It cost five cents and came out of a red machine.
It was my first Coke.
I was six years old.
There wasn’t much crime around there.
No one had very much, but they worked for what they had.
If welfare had been around then no one would have taken it.
They would have been ashamed.
Life was simpler then.
You pulled your own weight.
You didn’t have to be a victim.
You could protect your family and your property.
It was your right.
It was your duty.
It was OK .
Who is taking that right away from us?
People who don’t think you are capable.
They think you’re like them.
They think you need to be protected from yourself.
Remember the NRA?
I saved my money and joined when I was sixteen.
It took me all summer to save that money.
They’ve spent it all on postage asking me for more.
I’ve been a life member, thirty-odd years now.
But I haven’t sent them any more money.
I gave them more than money that year.
I gave them my whole sixteenth summer.
I thought it was worth it then.
I hope it was.
No one should be able to have a gun nowdays?
Read the Constitution sometime.
We memorized the preamble in school. “We the people…”.
We loved America.
We had a flag in our classroom.
We said the pledge of Allegiance.
No one knows what that is anymore.
They think the U.S. Constitution is the sister-ship of the Enterprise.
“Phasors locked on target, Captain”. “Fire, Mister Chekov”.
My father was transferred to Fort Sam Houston in Texas.
The streets were safe in San Antonio.
The people were nice.
You could bring a comb to school if it didn’t stick out of your pocket.
Policemen were friendly.
Kids knew about policemen.
If you are ever in trouble, run to a policeman.
Everyone smiled and waved to their policemen.
Things are different now.
No one much gives a damn.
No one’s word is good anymore.
If you are honest and work hard, someone will come along.
“You can’t do that”, they’ll say.
“You have to it this way”.
They don’t know what your job is.
They don’t know what you do.
But their job is to tell you how to do it.
They are civil servants.
It doesn’t make much sense to me.
If you don’t want to work, that’s OK too.
The government will raise the taxes of those who do.
So you can ride free.
I can’t complain about it because I voted.
My vote is supposed to count but I don’t think it does anymore.
People who don’t vote complain the loudest and get more done.
If you can’t win by reason, go for emotion.
You get more media coverage that way.
Politicians are no more than ten second sound bites.
They probably don’t even exist in real life.
Who do we vote for?
Faces who create problems they can’t solve.
They tell us things are going to get better.
We know they’re lying.
But we want to hear it.
We pay them to do that.
What can people be thinking about?
There are two hundred and seventy million people in America.
About ten percent will die this year.
915,000 from Cardiovascular disease
506,000 from Cancer
300,000 from miscellaneous diseases and other causes
92,000 in accidents
85,000 from Obstructive Pulmonary Disease
72,000 from Pneumonia
38,000 from AIDS
35,000 from other Infectious and Parasitic diseases
30,000 from unknown causes
27,000 from Suicide
25,000 in Homicides, of which 16,000 will involve a firearm.
Guns are involved in about half as many deaths as unknown causes!
But how could you sensationalize that?
More than 500,000 people will use a firearm this year,
To successfully defend themselves against a violent criminal.
The idiots say that we can decrease the 16,000 firearm related homicides by outlawing guns.
There are a lot of low wattage bulbs out there posing as politicians.
Why would that number decrease?
There would just be 500,000 additional victims of violent crime every year.
Isn’t that obvious to everyone?
What kind of solution is that?
Several hundred people were shot at random in Los Angeles in the first four months of 1994.
By gang members and other minions of society.
None were shot by the legal owner of a registered firearm who was committing a crime.
None were shot by a firearm of its own accord.
The vast majority of all violent crimes are committed by repeat offenders.
If a firearm is involved it’s stolen.
It wasn’t purchased legally.
That’s pretty obvious too, isn’t it?
The criminals that use them can’t buy them legally.
But they have them and you don’t.
Think about it.
If everyone was safe from everything.
And three meals, housing and medical care were provided.
No one would be happy.
That’s what criminals get. They aren’t happy.
That’s what animals in zoos get. They aren’t happy.
Let’s limit the sugar intake of legislators instead.
Let’s publish the way they vote in the papers every day.
They say guns contribute to crime.
They say the economy is great.
They said the Indians would be treated fairly if they gave up.
If someone wants you badly enough they don’t need a gun.
They don’t need anything except their hands.
Or a hundred dollars, if they don’t want to get their hands dirty.
Or a rock will do, or a sharp stick.
Or a string, or a seashell.
If we let everyone out of the prisons,
and lock all the guns in there instead,
Do you think crime will decrease?
Would you feel safer?
Why are people afraid of guns?
No gun has ever committed a crime.
People are violent, not guns.
People commit crimes, not guns.
If a drunk driver kills your family, that’s a violent crime.
All of the cars are registered, but that doesn’t solve the problem.
Cars contribute to violent crimes too.
Five or six times as many as guns do.
Guns will be obsolete before you know it.
More efficient things are in the works.
In the meantime I guess we can outlaw them and solve the crime problem.
Just like outlawing Cocaine and Marijuana solved the drug problem.
Just like prohibition solved the alcohol problem.
As long as we’re at it, why not make earthquakes illegal.
Eventually, everything will be illegal.
What difference will that make?
None of course.
It’s the same old story again.
Make honest people criminals.
Even though they aren’t.
It has never worked in the past.
It won’t work this time either.
It will make a lot of people think, though.
They will get rid of those nice, legal, registered guns.
And get nice, silenced weapons that aren’t traceable.
A lot of people are starting to do that anyway.
They think the day is coming.
Most Americans were willing to register their guns, at first.
No one liked it, but they wanted to do what was right.
Now they see what is starting to happen.
We will never get guns out of the hands of criminals.
Their solution is to take them away from the law abiding citizens.
I think we should start electing better people to public office.
It’s our own fault the government is full of bozos.
If you want to be a victim and give all your rights away,
If you want to be a liberal and give all MY rights away,
I know what happened in Warsaw.
I know what happened at Wounded Knee.
A lot of gun dealers aren’t renewing their licenses.
A lot of people won’t register their guns anymore.
That doesn’t mean they commit crimes with them.
It doesn’t make them any less honest.
It just means they know something of history.
When governments start taking away the rights of individuals,
They always find a reason to take away just one more.
They don’t ever stop.
They make a new law.
But when laws stop benefitting the people.
People start to ignore them.
And they have that right.
It’s in the constitution too.
Kids can be taught honesty.
Or they can learn dishonesty.
If you don’t want criminals, make the punishment worse than the crime.
It doesn’t have to be cruel or unusual.
It just has to be convincing.
Don’t you see what is happening?
Laws are just words on paper.
They don’t make dishonest people honest.
They don’t make honest people dishonest.
People who don’t intend to commit crimes are not criminals.
Just because someone pushed through a law.
Criminals intentionally contravene the rights of others.
They don’t care about the law.
They have rights.
Their victims don’t have rights anymore, but they should.
Victims shouldn’t have to be victims.
You shouldn’t have to have two locks on every one of your doors.
You shouldn’t have to barricade yourself in your own home every night.
But you do, don’t you.
And if someone breaks into your house,
To rob and mutilate you,
You can’t defend yourself or your family.
If you hurt the poor misguided bastard,
He will sue you and win.
Because his parents got divorced, maybe.
He’s really a good person, just misunderstood.
He doesn’t understand why he can’t just take what he wants.
You might as well let him.
A jury will award it to him anyway if he stubs his toe.
And if he kills you in the process, it’s society’s fault.
He’s just misunderstood.
The legal system has become a joke.
The judges know it.
The policemen know it.
The lawyers know it.
The criminals know it.
You and I know it.
But the politicians don’t know it.
They don’t know what the hell is going on.
They are too busy making new laws to find out.
Everyone jokes about inept politicians,
But it’s not funny anymore.
Politicians don’t do what we want them to do anymore.
The framers of our Constitution didn’t have the hard data, they say.
The didn’t have the benefit of statistics, they say.
The Constitution needs to be interpreted, they say.
But the people who outlaw your guns,
Won’t protect you.
They won’t let the police protect you.
They won’t let the courts protect you.
Now they are saying you can’t even protect yourself.
Who ya gonna call…..Ghostbusters?
I have a gun. I keep it loaded. I know where it is.
I don’t use it for hunting.
I don’t commit crimes with it.
I don’t like to shoot it at all, in fact.
But I maintain my proficiency and keep it clean.
Something my father taught me.
Now they say I shouldn’t have it because guns contribute to violent crime.
Either they’re complete fools, or they think I am.
But I’m tired of trying to get people to think.
I’m tired of listening to idiots.
Let me leave you with a thought.
If you don’t like it, just don’t think about it.
That will make it go away.
That will solve everything.
When welfare was invented, an estimate was made:
Maybe one person in a thousand would ever use it.
Guess how many now?
In the city of San Bernardino, for example,
Four people in ten are on welfare.
Guess who pays for those four?
The other Six.
What happens next year.
When it gets to be five in ten?
If there are five people in your family today,
You will be supporting ten people then.
Instead of only eight like you are now.
As well as the government.
Oh, yes you will.
Where do you suppose the money comes from?
Why do you think you don’t have any?
Do you know what a third-world country is?
Before the turn of the century,
You’ll be living in one.
The government knows it, too.
Why do you think they want your guns?
You can feel the ripples in the fabric of society.
In the fifties and sixties people were happy with their lives,
Now they aren’t anymore.
Senseless violence is on the rise.
And so is crime.
Everyone seems touchy, don’t they.
They get upset for no reason sometimes.
Anymore, people will kill you just for fun.
But you already know that.
You just don’t know why.
And if you did, what could you do about it?
Trust – Copyright(C), 1994,1995 by Tom Burnett. All rights reserved.
Trust is an interesting concept. When you say you trust someone, what do you actually mean? Well,
you probably mean you feel confident that you can predict the person’s actions in a given situation or
circumstance by a better than even chance based upon your personal knowledge of how that person has acted in
similar past situations. Usually this personal experience is based upon observations of a sufficient quantity and
quality to establish, in your mind, the level of consistency you expect the person to demonstrate, and is thus a
measure of the amount of trust you are willing to place in him or her.
Maybe you can most of the time. Because people are creatures of habit, and most of them are
psychologically stable, reasonably honest, and capable of bearing responsibility. Even so, it is still an attempt to
predict the future, and the past is not a scientifically sound basis for such an attempt.
Given sufficient data, you could certainly develop actuarial tables to provide a reasonably accurate
picture of the average lifespan, by gender, of a specific group of people in a particular geographical area, in
circumstances over which they probably have little individual control. While you may be able to determine the
age of death for a million people per year over a period of a hundred years and determine a relatively accurate
future expectation of average life span, attempting to predict the actions of one individual, even based upon
close observation, is so unlikely as to defy mathematical probability.
A person will always have the ability to choose, and may embark on a completely unforseen course of
action or react in a totally unexpected manner through dishonesty, whim, caprice, or for no apparent reason at
all in any given circumstance.
So when you say you trust someone, what do you actually mean?
The truth about earthquake safety
by Tom Burnett
Earthquakes usually occur without warning. At the onset, you will freeze for several seconds while your mind attempts to classify the threat. During these seconds you will not move, take a breath, or blink. Your synapse activity will increase to near maximum levels and the resultant cross-firing can easily overwhelm your thought process and induce a panic reaction. This is roughly analogous to spraying tiny droplets of liquid Mercury into R2D2. Dozens, then hundreds of short circuits heat and splatter the Mercury into ever finer droplets which vaporize and boil into a greenish vapor as the temperature reaches 357 degrees (C). As the insulation which protects the main circuit wiring begins to melt, the exposed wires hum as they release thousands of tiny lightning bolts into the conductive atmosphere. The net result can transform a person of normal mental activity into a carrot with legs.
Since thought and panic are mutually exclusive, these few seconds are very important because they afford you the opportunity to maintain control. If you panic, anything you do will be wrong. Typically, people start running. Brilliant. You will run until you reach the scene of your injury. If you don’t hurt yourself badly enough there, you will keep running until you do. Almost ALL earthquake related injuries are self-inflicted. If you are not injured initially, the chances are very high that you will not be injured at all if you simply remain calm and stay where you are. It’s not like encountering an enraged Grizzly Bear while walking in the woods with your kindly old grandmother. You know you’re going to be pretty safe as long as you can run faster than granny. But an earthquake is different. You are not going to get anywhere in ten or fifteen seconds that’s any better than where you are now. You won’t be trapped in the house. if you are worried about it, keep the doors ajar during the day when the house is occupied and leave some likely windows open at night. During an event, the structure you are in will resemble a bag of Shake ‘N Bake and when was the last time you saw anything jump out of a bag of Shake ‘N Bake and run out the back door? Walls sway, floors move, things fall out of cupboards and break or roll around. There is sharp, slippery, or otherwise hazardous debris on the floor. Try to remember that your vision will be impaired if your head is up your ass.
Stay where you are until the shaking stops. Do not hurt yourself. Day or night, pick up a flashlight and exit carefully! If an exit is blocked, go to another one. Do not try to clear any debris or open a blocked exit, because there will be an after shock in a couple of minutes and whatever you are playing with will fall on your head and shuck the peas out of your pod!
EXIT ANY DOOR OR ANY BEDROOM WINDOW to the sidewalk:
TURN OFF THE GAS AT THE METER ***RIGHT NOW***. Take the wrench
away with you. Then follow the sidewalk AWAY FROM THE STREET to the vacant lot. If you DO run toward the street, make sure you stand directly under the high voltage transformer on the power pole (between the condemned garage and the condemned retaining wall). This will provide no end of amusement for whoever does the autopsy, and when you see granny again don’t forget to ask how long she managed to keep ahead of that Grizzly.
Since you forgot to turn off the gas, please do that now unless the house is already a giant fireball. PLEASE take the wrench with you: (1) So you know you turned off the gas and don’t turn it off AGAIN!; (2) Because you may need it to turn off the water; (3) Because if granny is after you with an axe you may need it to fend her off.
GAS SHUT-OFF: Use the crescent wrench on the meter and turn the valve the only way it will go until it stops (1/4 turn). Take the Goddamn wrench with you this time… Geez, I’ve only told you three times.
WATER SHUT-OFF: LEAVE THE WATER ON UNTIL IT IS OBVIOUS THAT IT SHOULD BE OFF. For instance, if the house has burned down, fallen over, and sunk into the ground it would be OK to turn the water off. Use the crescent wrench from the gas meter and turn the valve until the holes line up. The secondary water shut-off is behind the basement door. If the house is gone, don’t worry too much about this. POWER SHUT-OFF: Open the panel under the meter. Flip all of the switches down. If there are low hanging wires in front of the box that weren’t there before, use the shiny metal wrench to push them out of the way !
Copyright (C) 1992,1993, 1994, 1995, 1996 by Tom Burnett, All Rights Reserved
Let us try and figure out whether or not aliens exist and if so, are they really extra-terrestrials from another galaxy? Do they look like the beings in “Close Encounters”? Have thousands of witnesses actually had close encounters or been abducted, or are they just nuts? Can we form an hypothesis based on what we know? Can we develop a theory which will predict the future? Can we really answer these questions or do we need to ask Jesus? Let’s start with what we know. We know our universe is about 4.5 billion years old. We know how our sun works. We know a bit about the chemistry and biology of our earth and her life forms. We know something of evolution. We know that thousands of people have reported various types of contact with an
‘alien’ life form from which the extra-terrestrial beings in ‘Close Encounters’ were modeled. And we know that an unknown percentage of these reporters say that the aliens have described their home planet and solar system
(Beta Riticulum as often as not). All right, will someone out there please think about it? First of all, calculate the odds of the existence other forms of life in the universe…………No, not Sixteen Gazillion to one. Those are the odds against anyone ever winning the California state lottery…..The odds are exactly the same everywhere else in the universe as they are on earth. So the existence of other beings is no more improbable than our own. I don’t know how improbable WE are as life forms, but it doesn’t matter too much as long as a majority of us agree that we do in fact exist, at least in principle. And since we do exist, the probability is that something else exists too. (Those who conclude that since we exist it is unlikely that anything else in the universe does, please skip the rest of this and go back to your hobby of staring at the sun until it goes out!) O.K. We have determined that there is really no reason why extra-terrestrials should not exist since we do, so let us accept the possibility that they might. (1). Extra-terrestrial civilizations may exist.
Have they visited us? We don’t know from our data, but we can theorize. No, they probably have not visited us. Evolution moves as fast as it can, but usually does not proceed too rapidly until the planet in question has solidified and cooled off a bit. And there are a finite number of galaxies that can have evolved life concurrently with ours. Older ones, which collapsed before ours was formed are not sending any visitors, even if they had developed space travel at the speed of light. I don’t want to argue with the learned physics
professors about worm holes, so why don’t I just make the point that if an advanced civilization from a collapsed galaxy arrived here and wanted a home, they would have one and EVERYONE would know about it. It is probable that emerging space-traveler civilizations would send unmanned probes out, much as we have, and if one of them landed here everyone would probably know about that, too. Especially if it started taking samples with it’s scoop. Wouldn’t THAT be interesting? And the newer galaxies are still cooling off. So if they
have come, their home is a galaxy no younger than about 4.5 billion years old, probably in the Milky Way. There is no evidence in general public circulation that definitely establishes such a visitation. Except of course, the eight or nine times I was kidnapped by the Root people from Beta Epsilon and used for medical experiments.
(2) Extra-terrestrial visitations cannot be definitely established.
Bullshit you say? If they haven’t, then who are all the funny little beings in flying saucers that drop in for no known reason, or grab hapless human and animal victims for some unfathomable type of medical experiments and who knows what else? You don’t think someone made all that up do you? Even though they probably did. Well, I’m not an expert in the field of probability. The pictures I’ve seen of UFO’s don’t look like weather balloons or swamp gas or the planet Venus. I do know that anything is possible, and the odds for or
against something happening, at least in quantum mechanics, can never be zero. But from here, there are many schools of thought, and I will present two of them. I will try and make a reasonable case for opposing possibilities. First: The probability of an unrelated civilization forming on another planet in a remote solar system, and evolving a head with two eyes, two ears, a nose and a mouth, all of which are configured in a humanoid form and which serve the same purpose as ours; Having two arms with fingers and two legs with
toes connected to this torso; having an obvious spinal column, lungs and a heart; with the entire entity encased in skin with nearly the same physical appearance, size and range of motion as we have; Having the ability to
breathe the same mixture of gases as us without harmful effect, and having the ability to communicate directly with us……to wit: HUMANOID, are so incredibly small as to be non-existent. So, I put the possibility of this
occurrence at zero and state categorically that it cannot have happened, and that these aliens, if they exist as described, are unquestionably related to us genetically. (We cannot have been ‘planted’ here and thus be descended from them (since our DNA is related to every other form of life on earth), so our present form is a matter of chance rather than a matter of choice. Since they are purported to look like us, or are at least recognizably similar physiologically, a relationship exists if they exist.) Second: Since life on earth, and presumably everywhere else is a result of random mutation following Darwin, and that only the most successful species have survived, it seems reasonable that since we humans are the most successful life form on earth, any life on another water planet will pass through a bi-pedal, binocular visioned, opposable thumb form similar to us. In fact, it is almost inevitable. So it is not at all unreasonable to suppose that when we meet the aliens, we will see a kinship of a sort. They will probably look familiar, after a fashion. 3. If these ‘aliens’ exist as described they are an evolved form of humanoid. (I don’t know if that means you should be friendly toward them, or terrified of them).
Aliens may actually visit us, although there is no compelling and conclusive evidence available, at least to me. If they do and they are human, the first documented and accepted proof of their existence will concurrently prove the practicality of time travel, and will generate an immense, synthetic evolutionary leap. Time travel is theoretically possible, at least to Stephen Hawking. Wormhole theory is conceivable to me up to a point. The fact that we are not aware of visitors from the future renders the concept unproven until one arrives and is on the Larry King show. Naturally, if time travel becomes possible at any point in our future, one would expect evidence of the capability to manifest itself on historic occasions and at singular events. I mean, that any future generation who developed it could be expected to visit us. They would bear some resemblance to us (having evolved from us) and might very well transport themselves in those flying saucers we see pictures of. So the logical conclusion is that ‘aliens’ are either not ‘extra-terrestrials’ at all, or they are… Got all that? So we have solved certain parts of the puzzle and answered a few of the questions. If aliens are visiting us, they are relatives so it is nothing to be alarmed about. Who knows? If we stopped trying to kill them, they might not prove so elusive. But if we could travel back a million years we could expect the same treatment from our prehistoric relatives. (Coincidentally, we would look exactly the same to our distant relatives as
‘aliens’ are supposed to look to us now). But our ancestors would not only kill us, they would eat us too. We are reasonably safe here in the twentieth century since our diets contain so much synthetic filler that our cousins
from the future would probably find us toxic. If you’re wondering how you can become a truly annoying individual, try out some of the following “Ways To Be Annoying.”
101 Ways To Be Annoying
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and
then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that
this is so no one will “swipe your grub.”
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog “Dog.”
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for “violating your airspace.”
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a “spider person.”
26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you “like it that way.”
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. don’t use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s road maps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J.
Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?”
“What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until
68. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains,
such as “Feliez Navidad,” the Archies’ “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to “John Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each “a.”
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it,
announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
Since I mentioned wormholes, I’ll put in a letter I wrote in response to a letter I got, which responded to another letter I wrote.
The University of Texas
Department of Astronomy
Robert L. Moore Hall, 15.308
Austin, Texas 78212-1083
(512) 471-6016 FAX
ATTN: Professor J. Craig Wheeler
Dear Professor Wheeler:
Thank you for your kind letter of July 10. You are still wrong.
Speculation of what might be is certainly about all there is until a full theory evolves. And while everyone has his or her own favorite unprovable hypothesis, the gist of Professor Novikov’s work seems to violate causality as I understand it. The point of my solution is not that there is no effect of the wormhole or time machine. It is that an object entering a wormhole is automatically protected from any possibility of a paradox by virtue of the fact that it cannot pass itself in time since the direction of time is irreversible in our universe regardless how an object might travel outside our universe . The object might travel in time and through parallel universes, or might
remain suspended while time passes relative to it, but it could never meet itself in the event horizon of a wormhole or anywhere else. The closest meeting achievable would be a synchronous return to the time and place it left (again relative to itself ), but it would still be a time machine since time measured by the object are conjectorally different than time measured outside the wormhole. That is, it could theoretically re-enter our universe at the place and time it left (or shortly thereafter) so far as it is concerned, but at a point in the past so far as the universe is concerned, since the time-line of the universe would continue normally between the object’s departure and return.