Wal-Mart’s letter to me

Dear Mr Ayer,

Over the past six months, you have caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban you from the store.

Our complaints listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 

1.  June 15: You took 24 boxes of condoms (size small) and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
 July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.  July 7:  Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
 July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,  “Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away.”  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.  We don't have a Code 3.
  August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
  August 14:  Moved  a 'CAUTION – WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
  August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding departmentto which twenty children obliged.
  August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”  EMTs were called.
  September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while you picked your nose and pulled out a long plastic fishing worm from the sporting goods department.  Not only had you not paid for the worm, but the security operastor threw up on her console.
  September 10:  While handling BB guns in the Sporting Goods department, you asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
  October 3:  Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
 October 6:  In the auto department, you practiced your 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13.  October 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
  October 22: You pretended to be peeing in the potted plants in the Garden department.  
15.  Took a box of condoms to the pharmacist and asked for help fitting the proper size.
16.  October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey!  There's no toilet paper in here.”

17. November 30: You watched an associate key up the announcement system.  Then you keyed up the system, yelled “OH, NO!  DON'T SHOOT!” and snapped a rubber band over the mouthpiece which sounded like a gunshot and caused widespread panic in the store and resulted in a lockdown and extensive search by the police SWAT team. 

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